Marshall's Dream: The Contest

I meant to post this on June 27th because that's when he shared it 3 years ago (3 was his favorite number), but time slipped away.

The Contest

6/27/2013

Last night I dreamed a dream. The details of which are now obscure. What I do remember is this.

At the commencement of the dream I was amidst a contest. In front of me was something very desirable. The other contestants were standing in a line with me and they also had an object of great desire before them. The object itself was locked somehow – not necessarily by a key but by some puzzle or riddle. The object and the puzzle seemed to be different for each person. More desirable than the prize before me was to be the first one to crack the code – there was a glory in it. Over a loud speaker a voice was urging everyone to hurry, hurry and be the first – to win the race. 

Although I didn’t know what being the first would bring me I really wanted to win! It seemed I used all my mental capacities and physical skill to solve the puzzle or “open the box” before me. My efforts were fruitless and I began to despair.

Soon I noticed a commotion. One contestant had left their station and had began to walk down the line and “open other peoples boxes” – I wondered how one person could be so innovative as to know how to solve so many puzzles that nobody else could? I watched in amazement, and wondered why this individual hadn’t been announced the winner. It was then I realized that their box, their riddle, their dilemma had not been solved. 

Epiphany, I left my station and began to “open up boxes” for others with ease. Down the line I went and soon others began to do the same. The voice on the loudspeaker was shouting as if we had broken the rules and would be disqualified. It didn’t matter though, those who had been served were happy and those who served even happier. They had attained the object of desire, not alone but together and for eachother.

(Amanda now) This dream floors me now. I feel like many patients and doctors alike are trying still to 'crack the code' of the cure to leukemia. He put so much physical, mental, and emotional energy into being cured. Only to now have left his station, but not without helping others to be cured of their leukemia. I am sure that much of the stuff he went through and his eventual death has already saved others who were fighting for their lives. He cracked others' codes in a very real way through helping blinatumomab be FDA approved and helping the t-cell trial to help others. 

This last week I had many triggers that put me back in that place of grieving hardcore for the loss of my Marshall. A beautiful friend fighting for her life while battling leukemia, family of a friend losing a spouse, the Star Spangled Banner being played at church where I could just picture him standing and boldly singing, some words and reminders that hurt my heart, holiday, our wedding song coming on in a restaurant where I remember he ate spicy food until he cried, and being without him physically every.single.day. I just hope my broken heart can handle whatever is thrown at me next. I miss you Marshall.