Lullaby: Goodnight My Treasure

There are some days I don't know how I get through even with looking at pictures and videos of Marshall. Lately I have been finding a lot of pictures he took of us sleeping. Especially pictures of Kez asleep. I hope it means that now he watches over us as we sleep.

There was a beautiful song, a "lullaby" he wrote when he was young that I also found amidst his things. I remember him playing a recording of the song for me while we were dating, but I have yet to find the recording. I do remember the melody somehow from all those years ago, so I've been singing it to Kez at night sometimes. Here are the lyrics:

Goodnight My Treasure 

-lullaby for when I have kids (he wrote that on the side)

verse 1: 

Goodnight my treasure

Goodnight my special little one

May you awaken

to the light of the morning sun

verse 2:

Goodnight to starlight

Goodnight to the angelic moon

May peace be with you

May calm sweet slumber find you soon

chorus:

At night we kneel

to say our prayers

And we find peace

from worldly cares

Now rest your head

and close your eyes

And dream of

starlit summer skies

verse 3:

Goodnight my child 

Goodnight my special little friend

And while you're sleeping

Protecting angels heaven send

I hope Marshall truly is our protecting angel. I think I may have been more in a fog these last 7 (almost 8!!) months than I realized. I think I tried to run from and ignore my grief more than I'd like to admit, but the only way through it is THROUGH it as hard as it may be. Also I realized that I won't ever move on from him. He would be the first person in the world to encourage me to move FORWARD though. He probably was the most forward moving person I ever had the privilege to encounter. 

Now that we are closer to the 1 year mark than ever before, I have felt a heavy weight as though it's time to start making some big decisions when it comes to our family and what is best for us and especially for Kezman's future. I still don't trust myself to make a right decision for some reason though. It's like some other lyrics I listened to the other day that said, "I'm paralyzed without you". Of course it made me think right away of Marshall because of all the physical paralysis that happened to his face when the leukemia was in his spinal fluid. Marshall and I had a lot of plans and dreams post cancer that I don't know if I'll want to do without him. What's the point? Some moments I wonder why I care about anything without him. I know that's silly, but it's just how I've been feeling lately.

So if any of you have found yourself at a crossroad in life that you never intended and your life took you climbing up a cruel mountain that took away your most prized treasure, what did you do? How did you get through every day? I have a beautiful, bubbly smiling boy that gives me joy, but also reminds me so much of what I've lost that it's a heart-wrenching happiness.

One thing I may finally do to help me get through the days is take the advice of my grief group counselor and write some things on this blog. There were so many tender mercies that were granted to me at the time of Marshall's death and now I feel like my memory of them are fading so I need to write them down. Especially in a place where Kez can read them. As he gets older he is getting more interested in looking at the videos, pictures, and hearing the stories of his dad to keep his memory alive. How did we get here? Lost without our treasured father and husband. For now I'll keep singing Kez the lullaby with his angel dad protecting him. During Kez's prayer tonight he said, "Please bless that Heavenly Father can always be with us and that daddy can still take care of us". He still points out that Marshall's spirit is here and there sometimes.