Getting Easier Only to Get Harder

I am getting acquainted with a lifestyle of hospital ins and outs. Of seeing my man tired, in pain, avoiding people because of germs, and being away from my little boy. Living with in-laws I hardly knew, feeling as though I completely rely on a family that is not my own and friends I barely met. That is all getting easier. Thank you Kelly for understanding while I make my mistakes under this stress.

As transplant time approaches I look back and see how hard things have been on everyone who cares about Marshall. When people ask me how I am I am almost immediately brought to tears that someone cares and that I truly don't know how to answer the question. As hard as it has all been so far I know I have grown in many ways. There will be many opportunities of even more growth in the next years.

To think I wanted a change of pace and lifestyle from staying at home and raising my baby. I was sooo blessed to be able to watch him, teach him, learn from him, smile at his smile. He is learning something new at least once a day now and I just wish I could be there. I know a time will soon come when I will be away from him often and I pray at the end he will love me still. That he will still recognize me as his mommy, his teacher, his comforter, and guide.

I have to remember that I am here living my dream. I wanted to help in finding a cure for cancer since I was a little girl. I have done more Leukemia research than I ever would have without this obstacle in our lives. With that and a Bachelor's in biology I am well equipped to be able to work in the field when the time comes that I may need to be a provider.

And that with all the uncertainty, the odds against us, and the chances of something going wrong--- everything is right. What is meant to be is happening and will happen and I trust in that. As wise as the people are that I talk with and spend much of my time with now I know that is certain.