SAUDADES

I took a break for a while. A break from writing. A break from music. A break from the world. Marshall wrote a song once called A Break From the World. I wish I could ask him to play that song for me now. There isn’t an English word sufficient enough to describe how much Kez and I miss him. So I use this Brazilian word, saudades that comes closer to satisfying how much we yearn for his presence now. I've heard other widows and widowers say that the second year is harder than the first. YES! The second year was harder than the first without him. All the memories, holidays, anniversaries, birthdays happened without him and unlike last year where people went out of their way to stand by us through the hard days, this year we did them mostly alone.

I've had a whole lot of advice given to me this year. Many people telling me how to grieve, live, and to move on. The fact of the matter is that Kez and I will not move on. Not when Marshall's very blood runs through my son as a forever reminder of what we had, what we loved, and what we lost. Marshall was a big personality, a person who put effort into putting others above himself, a beautiful soul. November brings memories and anniversaries of our wedding day, his death date, viewing and funeral. For me it has already been an explosion of tears and unwelcome emotion as I navigate this month without him.

So as Kez and I slowly move forward, we will remember him in every heart beat, in every song, in every breath. Please let us talk about him. Use his name, talk about the happy times and the love and memories he left behind. This month especially but every month. We have some big changes coming that we hope will help us miserably wallow less in his memory and breathe and live a little more happily without him. The break is over and now is the time to write the book that's in my soul and to sing the music again. There have been many women and men who have lost their significant other this year through death, catastrophe, violence and there is a book I helped write called Encouraging Widows. I will give more details as it becomes available in the spring. Saudades.