Today I have been thinking of how very lucky we have been to have Marshall as a part of our lives. He taught us more goodness and heavenly thoughts than I ever would have learned without his influence and without our experience. And for everyone who taught and continues to teach us how much good there still is in the world even when it looks so bleak.
I took a break from blogging for a while to try and process my very heavy grief. I was encouraged to blog or journal some more last month in a grief class I was taking and still haven't touched it until now. One of the thoughts I appreciated most from that class is,
"Every one can master grief save those who have it"
I will not be able to master my grief, but people keep telling me it will get better. Four months tomorrow. Today was the day he barely survived those four months ago. His ringtone whenever anyone called was, "This is my fight song". The last lyrics of that song still ring inside my head often, "I've still got a lot of fight left in me" because I do. Now I need to find that cause I am passionate for to fight about. Is it still curing leukemia? Is it something different? These and many, many questions are things I am discovering.
I'm grateful Marshall changed the name of this blog to Life Reinvented. I really have to reinvent my whole life now that he has passed on. My dreams are not the same and my plans are definitely not the same. My life and purpose used to revolve around my husband and the leukemia. Even both of my jobs I am able to work from any internet location so when we traveled for his treatments I could still work from whatever location we were in. Now that all that has changed, I find myself lost. Honestly, I am just trying to find myself and figure out who I am now. I am trying to reinvent my life. It doesn't work to jump to the WHY and get back to the normal. I am told new life will emerge, but I haven't seen it yet.
"To live is to suffer; to survive is to find meaning in the suffering-
if there is a purpose in life at all. There must be a purpose in suffering
and dying- but no one can tell another what that purpose is"
-Victor Frankl
I took a break from blogging for a while to try and process my very heavy grief. I was encouraged to blog or journal some more last month in a grief class I was taking and still haven't touched it until now. One of the thoughts I appreciated most from that class is,
"Every one can master grief save those who have it"
I will not be able to master my grief, but people keep telling me it will get better. Four months tomorrow. Today was the day he barely survived those four months ago. His ringtone whenever anyone called was, "This is my fight song". The last lyrics of that song still ring inside my head often, "I've still got a lot of fight left in me" because I do. Now I need to find that cause I am passionate for to fight about. Is it still curing leukemia? Is it something different? These and many, many questions are things I am discovering.
I'm grateful Marshall changed the name of this blog to Life Reinvented. I really have to reinvent my whole life now that he has passed on. My dreams are not the same and my plans are definitely not the same. My life and purpose used to revolve around my husband and the leukemia. Even both of my jobs I am able to work from any internet location so when we traveled for his treatments I could still work from whatever location we were in. Now that all that has changed, I find myself lost. Honestly, I am just trying to find myself and figure out who I am now. I am trying to reinvent my life. It doesn't work to jump to the WHY and get back to the normal. I am told new life will emerge, but I haven't seen it yet.
"To live is to suffer; to survive is to find meaning in the suffering-
if there is a purpose in life at all. There must be a purpose in suffering
and dying- but no one can tell another what that purpose is"
-Victor Frankl
Amanda -
ReplyDeleteYou have been through A LOT, and it will take time for you to process through it all. In the meantime, you are in a good place, a safe place. You have the resources you need and a son to take care of - a little part of Marshall that needs your care.
I can't tell you where your road will take you or how your life will reemerge. No one can. However, don't feel lost. Your son is there to guide and be guided, your Father in Heaven is ever watchful of you and your needs. You'll make it. You'll be happy. You are strong. Most of all, your attitude in the face of it all has been inspiring.
If you are looking for a fight, then fight the darkness. Continue to be an example of your faith and your intelligence. Mentor girls in STEM and show them its OKAY to be smart and productive. Be an example of what love can be.
As you grieve, consider doing so in ways that honor Marshall. Keep up the fight to cure leukemia if you are able. If funding in a concern, consider raising awareness or putting together events to raise funds (such as concerts in his honor). Be part of the family for others like you and others that are going through what you have gone through. Be there for them, just as others have been there for you.
Lastly, remember your Father in Heaven and stay close to him. Pray for guidance and it will come. People who need the wisdom you have to offer will cross your path and you will continue to bless the world through your actions.
Know this: God placed these struggles in your path because he KNOWS who you are and what you are made of. He KNOWS what you are capable of and how you will handle and can grow from these experiences. While often it kind of bites, these experiences and the growth that can come from them are one of the reasons we are here. I don't know why he put these trials on you, honestly, yet it is a testament to your strength of character how you have handled them.
Take your time to heal, yet don't forget the wonderful and inspiring person you truly are and don't deny your gifts of intelligence, compassion, care and optimism to a world so desperately in need of such things. Find happiness in being the wonderful person you truly are.
I really appreciated reading every single word you wrote today (though I'm not sure who you are) and thank you for taking the time to say some kind and encouraging words. Thank you for this gift today.
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