You Choose Your Tude

As things stand I have yet to have a cancer free sample of my spinal fluid. Last Thursday's sample showed one - that's right one - blast (cancer cell) and this Monday's sample only had two blasts. Considering that my lab results from a month ago had nearly 100 blasts I am definitely close. We will continue to do injections of chemo every Monday and Thursday until we can get a "blast free" sample. At that point my doctor explained that we can do a longer acting chemo and take a break from the LPs for a couple weeks.

Allow me to explain why it is important that my spinal fluid is clear of cancer before I undergo the t-cell treatment: After one receives the t-cells and they begin to destroy the cancer cells they kind of go crazy. This reaction is called Cytokine Release Syndrome. The fear is that if I have cancer cells in my spinal fluid (this is also my brain fluid) it could cause significant brain damage/neurological issues.

The FDA has yet to approve the new protocol for the t-cell treatment. As I understand it, if I'm not the first, I will likely be the second human to undergo this new treatment that targets protein marker 22 instead of 19. The other major change to the protocol is that they are administering the t-cells in three incremental doses rather than one.

Not only is it frustrating waiting for the FDA and for my spinal fluid to come out clean, it's scary. Scary because I have tumors growing in my arm and shoulder. Scary, because the chemo that I am taking is causing my hands to cramp painfully and get stuck in strange twisted positions. Scary, because the more time that passes the more leukemia grows in my bone marrow. 

That said, I would like to share a quote from Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, "...everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

In short, as a co-worker of mine used to say, "You choose your tude." This has been my challenge each day - to remember that I may not be able to control many of my present circumstances but I can choose how I react to them. I can choose to find the goodness in each day.