But If Not...

If you have seen any of my video posts on facebook lately you may have noticed that my facial hair is getting pretty scraggily. Allow me to explain: chemotherapy makes my skin extremely sensitive - rash and razor burn are inevitable. I decided since my hair will fall out in the next week or two anyway, what's the point of dealing with that!

I appreciate and I am grateful for all the kindness and generosity that is being shown to me and my family at this time. I feel very blessed. Thank you to those who shared the words of the apostle David Bednar on March 3rd. As I had just been readmitted to the hospital for treatment they were very personal and touching.

He gave an account of Neil A. Maxwell's experience with cancer and how he said it is better "not to shrink, than survive" and "don't become bitter from drinking the bitter cup." Profound statements from a spiritual giant. 

Regarding a different and much younger couple's struggles with cancer, Elder Bednar felt impressed to ask them the following two questions:

"Do you have the faith not to be healed? Or is your faith dependent on outcomes?"

I have pondered these teachings and questions frequently over the last couple weeks. If the Lord swooped in every time and saved us from disappointment, heartache, suffering, and sorrow our progress would be stifled - we could not learn true faith in the Savior. 

I've come to the realization that faith is not about what we want and desire, it is about accepting what the Lord wants and that becoming our desire. 

The ancient King Benjamin taught we must be, "submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love [and] willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us]."

Paul tells us in 2nd Corinthians Chapter 12, "I will glory in my infirmities...for my strength is made perfect in weakness...for when I am weak, then am I strong." 

This scripture definitely runs parallel with my chemotherapy treatment. Not necessarily that I'm glorying in my infirmities (I'm still working on that part) but that I physically have to be brought to a point of intense weakness in order to be made strong again. 

This happens to everyone at many times and many levels throughout our lives. Great accomplishments are almost never the product of a single triumph, but of many acts of steady, perseverance. 

Most everyone can recognize the American icon and home run slugger Babe Ruth. He held the all time home run record for 52 years with 714. That is what most of us remember about "The Sultan of Swat." 

What we don't often talk about is that he had 1,330 strike outs! That means that he would strike out nearly twice as many times as he'd hit a homer! About this he was quoted as saying, "Every strike brings me closer to my next home run." 

We often have to endure a great deal of failure, weakness and disappointment in order to become strong and achieve great things. So my cancer came back - that just brings me closer to my next homerun, and I've got a pretty awesome team supporting me :)

My mother's cousin once shared a song with our family that a church leader had written for the youth in his congregation. It was a simple song about this principle of perseverance. If you'd like to listen I put it to music the best I could remember and recorded it in my hospital room this morning.

You're not judged by the number of times you fail

But by the number of times that you succeed

And the number of times that you succeed is in direct proportion

To the number of times you fail, so keep trying

Keep trying, keep trying, keep trying, keep trying

You will succeed if you keep trying

Keep trying, keep trying, keep trying, keep trying

You will succeed if you keep trying

In conclusion I would like to tell you about this hand crafted little friend that I received from my sister-in-law Melanie. His name is Meshach because he is accompanying me in my "fiery furnace." Allow me to explain...

In the 3rd chapter of Daniel we learn about three Jewish leaders (Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego) who refused to worship a golden image as decreed by the King of Babylon. 

They were brought before the king by penalty of death in a fiery furnace if they would not forsake their God and worship his idol. This is how they responded (Dan 3:17-18):

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up."

"But if not", three powerful words that separate true faith in God from faith dependent on outcomes. If God had plans for these men in the spirit realm they would have been consumed by the furnace and died - they understood that and were willing to accept the Lord's will. 

The key to trials is how we respond. I know that the Lord is to able to heal me from this awful cancer - but if not, be it known unto anyone who reads this blog that I will not lose my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. I am grateful and indebted to him for every breath. I know that because of Him I have been, and can continue to be made clean and inherit eternal blessings with my family - a better comfort I could not have at this time of uncertainty.