LIFE REINVENTED
Saturday, August 27, 2016
Friday, August 26, 2016
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Red Sun
Tonight there was a sunset that made the sky red. Then there was a moon that looked orangish-yellow and was shaped like a banana. My sweet Kez took notice of both. He says when he sees his dad he is red and white. He sent the banana moon to make him laugh. I didn't get a picture of either, just gazed on quietly noticing the beauty tonight. I just kept thinking, 'that reminds me of Marshall.' Kez also kept seeing shooting stars. There will be a big meteor shower soon. Events like this really make me miss Marshall. We spent many a night on top of a car looking at the sky. This is my first August without him in 6 years.
Lately I have been having a very difficult time coming to terms with the fact that Kezman won't have the most amazing dad he would have for the rest of his life. Marshall was definitely the better parent and I truly feel terribly for my young son. How in the world will I give him the attention and time he deserves while taking care of everything else too?
I told Kez I was missing Marshall through some tears today and he responded, "Mommy you need to listen. I see daddy's spirit mouth talking and you need to listen." I said "Kez, I can't hear anything". He said, "close your eyes and concentrate mom". This was so out of character for my jabber box son to suggest that I decided to try it. And I could hear him! The tones of his voice so melodic and familiar echoed in my ears for one sweet moment. It had been so long since I've heard it while he was alive now that I MISS IT SO! He always called me the sweetest things and I could hear that too. I really feel like Kez will be missing out on getting to know Marshall and having an incredible dad. It literally breaks my heart in two all over again every day. My dad and I are close and I have no idea how I would have grown up without him around. I devoured 2 books on the airplane trips this past week and they are books I would recommend to anyone who's lost a loved one. The Message by Lance Richardson and i knew their hearts by Jeff Olsen. One sentence really resonated with me, "I knew I had experienced something beyond death, but it didn't quench the pain of missing them". Although Kez seems to have more of these experiences than I do- it still doesn't help the intense pain of missing our Marshall.
I've read from some experienced widows that the second year is harder than the first. I am starting to see exactly why that could be true. Sometimes I wonder where my friends and family have gone now. Am I too independent? Am I acting like I'm fine too often? It's not fake; I really am trying to be strong and make the best of this life we have been dealt. I guess I am better at putting on a good face than I thought. Or maybe I am too much of a Debbie Downer in my grief and people don't know what to say or do. It's probably just that people are so busy in their own families and lives and seeing/hearing Kez and I brings back memories they don't want to recall. They may bring up emotions none of us want to deal with.
How could God take away the very most amazing thing he ever gave me and expect me to live on without it? I don't understand. I don't know what it is, but I feel somewhat like the Savior when he was so alone in the garden. Bearing moments of complete anguish, despair, sadness to the point of physical pain. That's the one place I can relate to in my mind. My friend Julie put it nicely when I told her how I felt one day. She said, "I have a theory about friends. That theory is that you are in the garden of Gethsemane, suffering untold agony that only you can understand. Your friends are outside the wall. They care. They want to help. But they don't understand and they can't stay awake. You are forsaken by people who don't know how to help and to avoid the discomfort, they fall asleep. It's a very lonely place for you. A normal conversation would be wonderful. Having friends engage without feeling sorry for you would be wonderful. But it won't happen. They don't know how. If they could think of what to say, they'd try, but they don't know what to say anymore. They will eventually return." Thank you for putting it so elegantly Julie.
When the Savior comes again he will be wearing robes of red. Kezman and I were able to go through a special tour of the new Philadelphia temple with some very special people. The trip was a bit healing and hard too. It was more healing than I thought it would be. Less hard than I thought it would be. (We were also able to tour the laboratory where the t-cells were made and stored. I'll talk about that in another post). The spirit was strong and the first thing I noticed was a picture of Christ in red robes. I really hope Kez is right when he talks about his 'red and white' dad and I pray that what Marshall can do for his son from that side of the veil can help him grow into the amazing man he is meant to be just like his amazing father.
Lately I have been having a very difficult time coming to terms with the fact that Kezman won't have the most amazing dad he would have for the rest of his life. Marshall was definitely the better parent and I truly feel terribly for my young son. How in the world will I give him the attention and time he deserves while taking care of everything else too?
I told Kez I was missing Marshall through some tears today and he responded, "Mommy you need to listen. I see daddy's spirit mouth talking and you need to listen." I said "Kez, I can't hear anything". He said, "close your eyes and concentrate mom". This was so out of character for my jabber box son to suggest that I decided to try it. And I could hear him! The tones of his voice so melodic and familiar echoed in my ears for one sweet moment. It had been so long since I've heard it while he was alive now that I MISS IT SO! He always called me the sweetest things and I could hear that too. I really feel like Kez will be missing out on getting to know Marshall and having an incredible dad. It literally breaks my heart in two all over again every day. My dad and I are close and I have no idea how I would have grown up without him around. I devoured 2 books on the airplane trips this past week and they are books I would recommend to anyone who's lost a loved one. The Message by Lance Richardson and i knew their hearts by Jeff Olsen. One sentence really resonated with me, "I knew I had experienced something beyond death, but it didn't quench the pain of missing them". Although Kez seems to have more of these experiences than I do- it still doesn't help the intense pain of missing our Marshall.
I've read from some experienced widows that the second year is harder than the first. I am starting to see exactly why that could be true. Sometimes I wonder where my friends and family have gone now. Am I too independent? Am I acting like I'm fine too often? It's not fake; I really am trying to be strong and make the best of this life we have been dealt. I guess I am better at putting on a good face than I thought. Or maybe I am too much of a Debbie Downer in my grief and people don't know what to say or do. It's probably just that people are so busy in their own families and lives and seeing/hearing Kez and I brings back memories they don't want to recall. They may bring up emotions none of us want to deal with.
How could God take away the very most amazing thing he ever gave me and expect me to live on without it? I don't understand. I don't know what it is, but I feel somewhat like the Savior when he was so alone in the garden. Bearing moments of complete anguish, despair, sadness to the point of physical pain. That's the one place I can relate to in my mind. My friend Julie put it nicely when I told her how I felt one day. She said, "I have a theory about friends. That theory is that you are in the garden of Gethsemane, suffering untold agony that only you can understand. Your friends are outside the wall. They care. They want to help. But they don't understand and they can't stay awake. You are forsaken by people who don't know how to help and to avoid the discomfort, they fall asleep. It's a very lonely place for you. A normal conversation would be wonderful. Having friends engage without feeling sorry for you would be wonderful. But it won't happen. They don't know how. If they could think of what to say, they'd try, but they don't know what to say anymore. They will eventually return." Thank you for putting it so elegantly Julie.
When the Savior comes again he will be wearing robes of red. Kezman and I were able to go through a special tour of the new Philadelphia temple with some very special people. The trip was a bit healing and hard too. It was more healing than I thought it would be. Less hard than I thought it would be. (We were also able to tour the laboratory where the t-cells were made and stored. I'll talk about that in another post). The spirit was strong and the first thing I noticed was a picture of Christ in red robes. I really hope Kez is right when he talks about his 'red and white' dad and I pray that what Marshall can do for his son from that side of the veil can help him grow into the amazing man he is meant to be just like his amazing father.
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