My Gold

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still -Exodus 14:14. 

Marshall was a cloud gazer. He was often telling me what different shapes of animals, trees, even God's eyelashes he could see in the clouds above him. I think in fact, he was tuning out of the outer world in order to allow the inner intuitive mind to drift and dream. The art of being still and imagining a better, beautiful world seems to be further and further away from our society. I did this often in my childhood and I think it is something I need to start doing again; to forget the conditions, the lines I'm not supposed to color through, to play and color past the lines again. I need to educate my heart more instead of just my mind.

"Real doing comes from stillness -- not endless busyness or even reading". One moment where I felt exposed, raw, and visceral was the moment I birthed my son. I threw off all my clothes and had my husband throw- not lightly sprinkle, but THROW ice in my face. That moment strengthened my soul in a way words can't describe. When Kezman was put in my arms, I felt as if I was powerful enough to hold the whole world in my arms and care for it. A primal moment that no technology or virtual connection could touch. I had a birthing music playlist that added to the moment being the closest to existentialism I've ever experienced in my own body. I remember his blue body being limp and I was wondering if he had survived the grueling days of contractions and hours of posterior pushing. 

They wouldn't allow Marshall to cut the umbilical chord and quickly whisked our baby to the neonatal unit since his Apagar score was a 2. That was the day his dad said his son had his first experience of becoming a gentleman. Kezman's Apagar score rose to an 8 after meconium was removed from his nose and throat. As quickly as they whisked him away, our son gave up his neonatal bed for another baby girl who was born very prematurely and would be in the unit a long time. He came back and I remember his pink skin, looking at all his hair, and being happy that it looked like he had acquired his mother's nose and toes. Feeling his smooth skin and his baby breath was euphoric. For a moment in my life, my soul was balanced. I felt like a bird in flight, soaring above the pain, the sweat, blood and the tears up, up, above the clouds and so happy to be looking down from my place in the sky. It didn't matter what happened next or before...all that mattered was that moment. I had created something that was more valuable to me than gold is to the alchemist that made it.  

"Stay at your table and listen. Don't even listen, just wait, be completely quiet and alone. The world will offer itself to you to be unmasked." -- Kafka